Sometimes I wish you were out of my life so I could start cutting again…but if I start cutting again you will kick me out of your life.
There’s people out there that love me, but I don’t want them. There’s people out there that don’t love me; I don’t want them either.
I don’t want anyone, but I don’t want myself either.
Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin, Vol. 1
team “i wore this yesterday but i’m going to a different place so it doesn’t matter”
Do you have any major regrets?
I regret not speaking up more when I was younger. I stayed quiet and floated thru the crowd instead of having my own opinions, beliefs, and morals. I regret not allowing myself to have a voice, and letting various people take it away from me.
In no way am I vein or narcissistic, but I’m also not blind, I know that I am pretty (says the public eye…I’m a Virgo so naturally I hate everything about my self and I’m super critical.)
On a daily basis, I get hit on. I can’t walk anywhere alone without a cat call from some disgusting male. Previous male friends were only my friends in hopes of getting with me, when I turned them down, they disappeared. I even had several lie and say I did have sex with them because they were embarrassed that I turned them down. I had a male friend who told me that hanging out with me was almost like “street credit” to the other guys.
I was raped 2 times in my life, and I’ve had a boyfriend who told me I was only good for sex. I was the trophy in my family because I was beautiful. I was the trophy in my relationships because I was beautiful. People only ever comment on my beauty. People whom I’ve just met and they ask if I have a boyfriend…, “oh wow, he is a very lucky guy. I hope he treats you right.” You don’t know anything about me…you only know my face. You are saying because I have beauty that I deserve to be treated better than other people?
Please don’t get me wrong, I am grateful. I hold what other women desperately want. I know this all sounds very vein, that’s not me, I promise. I actually hate the way I look, but I’m going by public consensus.
But again, I’m grateful, but just once I wish I could be recognized for something else. I don’t want to always feel like an idiot because I can’t understand things. I don’t want to play doll all day. I don’t want to be just eye candy. I have more to offer than that, but people are so wrapped around my looks that nothing I accomplish get recognized. I also don’t really put out there things I’ve accomplished as much because I’m scared to seem like I’m showing off.
My personality, I’m timid, quiet, and shy. People think a pretty person who is quiet is a snob, so I’m constantly labeled “bitch” and “stuck-up.” I’m forced to be the outgoing peppy dumb pretty girl. But I can’t be intelligent. Just once I wish someone would be proud of me, but maybe I haven’t done anything worth being proud over…I don’t know.
I feel like I’m stuck playing this role of trophy. I can’t escape it. People will only ever see me for my looks. People will only ever want to be around me for my looks. I will get the job because of my looks. I’ll never be able to capture a soul with my mind. I’ll never impress anyone with intelligence and charisma. I’m stuck feeling absolutely worthless.
I am an object.
5 minutes later:, I’m reading my rant when I was wrapped up in emotion…and I sound conceited. *itll never end*